


If You're Gonna Be the Death of Me (That's How I Wanna Go)

by Joanne_Lupin



Series: HS!AU Welcome to Night Vale drabbles~ [8]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Angst, Bullying, First Kiss, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joanne_Lupin/pseuds/Joanne_Lupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos and Cecil have been dancing around each other for over a month, but nothing's happened between them. Dana does some digging and discovers that Cecil's past might be inhibiting him from enjoying his future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You're Gonna Be the Death of Me (That's How I Wanna Go)

**Author's Note:**

> Technically, this goes right along with the Good Morning, Night Vale fics, but I titled it like this because it was based on the song "Collar Full" by Panic! at the Disco. (I've entered the bandom and am becoming obsessed. It is too late for me now. Save yourself.)

It had been over a month since Carlos had shown up, and Dana was starting to think that Cecil had taken a chastity vow and forgotten to tell her. 

For that entire more-than-a-month, Dana had watched Cecil's eyes get dopey and his face relax whenever Carlos did anything, ever, and she watch Carlos smile a little wider whenever Cecil was around. They _really_ liked each other; that much was obvious. Sometimes, at lunch, Dana just wanted to push their faces together so they could just _kiss,_ already. 

Dana prided herself on her natural ability to read people. She could tell that Carlos wasn't the problem- he was waiting for Cecil to make the first move, which probably had something to do with the time shortly after meeting him that Dana had pushed him up against the wall- an impressive feat, as Carlos was about as tall as Cecil and a bit bulkier- and told him that he seemed nice, but if he ever did anything to hurt Cecil, she'd rip his dick out of his body and freeze it into a popsicle. 

No, it was Cecil's fault. He had to know Carlos was up for whatever he offered, but he refused to spend so much as a second with Carlos without another person around. Even if Carlos _wanted_ to make a move, it seemed Cecil was out to make sure that was impossible. 

Dana decided it was time for her and Cecil to have a little heart-to-heart...

-o0o-

"Where's Carlos?" Cecil asked, sitting across from Dana in a secluded corner of the lunch room. 

"Science Olympiad meeting," Dana lied. (Carlos had joined the team after some heavy-handed recruiting from Mr. McDaniels, so it was a legitimate excuse. However, Carlos was, in fact, eating lunch outside at Dana's request.) 

"Oh. Okay." Cecil's disappointment was evident in the slump of his shoulders and the frown on his face. "So... What's up?"

"What's up with _you,_ Ceec?"

"I asked you first," Cecil replied, a little too quickly, taking a bite of salad. 

"I asked you second," Dana shot back. "Besides, you're the one who has some explaining to do."

Cecil studied her with calculated blankness. "I have absolutely no idea what you mean."

"Bullshit," Dana replied. "You're avoiding Carlos."

"No I'm not. I eat lunch with him, like, every day."

"You know damn well what I mean, Palmer," Dana growled. "You can't escape this conversation. I know where you live. So talk."

Cecil didn't meet her eyes, opting, instead, to pick at his food with his fork. "I don't have to talk to you. I can wait you out." 

Dana shook her head, concern creeping into her face. The more Cecil put up a fight, she knew, the bigger his problem really was. "You can't. And you shouldn't. You can't just walk around with all your problems bottled up like that."

Cecil sighed, still not looking at Dana, working what he wanted to say into words. Finally, he faced her, sighing again. "It's just... All these problems... They're not things normal couples have to worry about. And I don't want to... I dunno... I don't wanna scare him off, I guess."

"Ceec..."

But Cecil was talking, now, and it was as if the floodgate had opened. "I mean, you knew me before all that... all that _stuff_ happened. So you just kinda got sucked along for the ride, and, like, who would friend-break up with a suicidal kid, right?" Cecil's self-deprecating smile and frank tone made Dana wince. "But Carlos doesn't have to deal with that. If we start dating, I could tell him right away, and he could jump ship before he had to care too much; or I could hide it from him until he finds my Zoloft in my room or figures out I'm going to therapy or something and finds out the truth, and then he'll think I've been lying to him and break up. _Or_ I could just keep things like they are, where we don't see each other outside of school and never have deep conversations or anything, and it'll be fine."

"Ceec," Dana said again, wriggling under the long table so she could pop up on the bench next to him. "You can't do that to yourself. You have just as much of a right to be happy as anyone else. Hell, you have _more_ right, considering all you've been through. Besides, someone as smitten with you as Carlos? He'd never get scared off by anything about you."

"He's _smitten_ with me?" Cecil asked, dubiously, but hopefully.

"Duh. The only reason you don't see it is because you never see him when you aren't around. You'd think a really cool microscope had just walked into the room."

"So I'm a really cool microscope?"

"In this metaphor, yes."

"Thanks a lot." Cecil chuckled.

"Talk to him, Ceec. You'll see. He won't care."

Cecil sighed. "Fine. I'll talk to him. You might wanna say your goodbyes now, cuz once I've talked to him, he'll want nothing to do with us."

"Always so negative," Dana chided, sliding her food over so she could eat from her spot next to Cecil. "Five bucks says you kiss."

"Deal."

-o0o-

Carlos, as it turned out, was free that night, and more than happy to spend the afternoon with Cecil. 

"My aunt won't be home for a while, so we're the only ones here until she gets home."

"You live with your aunt?" Carlos asked, looking around at Cecil's house. It was disorderly, but in a way that somehow flowed naturally.

"Yeah." Cecil's anxiety intensified. He bit his lip. "We can go to my room, if you want."

"Oh. Okay..." Carlos blushed, following, Cecil, who, since Dana had left them, hadn't done much more than glanced at Carlos.

Cecil's room was neat and tidy. He set his laptop case down carefully on his desk and gestured to the desk chair. "You can sit there, if you want." Carlos obliged. 

"Your room is nice. I can't believe you can keep it so clean; mine's a total mess." 

"Thanks." Cecil stayed standing, his gaze still averted. "Listen... I wanted to talk to you... somewhere private." 

"Oh?" Carlos was getting nervous, too. He swiveled in the chair restlessly, not sure where this was going.

"Yeah. I just... I really like you, but..." Carlos's heart sank at the word. "But I need to tell you something, first. Before you say anything. Because if I don't, I'll feel like I'm, I dunno, misrepresenting myself, I guess."

"Okay...?" Carlos stopped his fidgeting so he could study Cecil. His brows furrowed. 

"Yeah. Okay." Cecil took a deep breath. His gaze was still fixed on the floor. "So, uh, before I lived in Night Vale, I lived in this town called Desert Bluffs. It's in Ohio, weirdly enough. Anyways, I came out in seventh grade, and I was already, you know, not too popular. But after that, I couldn't walk two steps without getting shoved or being called a name or something." Cecil's tone became flat, his face blank, mentally distancing himself as much as possible from the story he was telling. "And it just got worse and worse. People would beat me up and throw me in dumpsters and stuff. Someone even spray painted a death threat on my locker." Cecil didn't respond to Carlos' gasp. He kept speaking, the words monotonous and terrifyingly matter-of-fact. "And one day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wrote notes and everything. And I had this brand new bottle of Advil. But I couldn't do it. So I called Dana. She already lived in Night Vale. We met on the Internet. I don't know what I was thinking, but I called her, and she talked me down and called, like, an ambulance or something. I was in the hospital for a while, so they could keep an eye on me. And then I moved here. My aunt already lived here, so it worked out good, I guess." Cecil came out of the trance he'd gotten into as he'd told his story. His emotions seemed to hit him all at once. He rolled his eyes up and dug his fingernails into his arms to keep from crying. Still, his voice was taking on water. "So I thought... Before anything happened, you know, between us... I just... I thought you should know what you were getting yourself into."

"Oh, Cecil..." Carlos got up and wrapped Cecil in a warm, strong hug. "I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

Cecil was still tensed up, trying to keep his tears at bay. "Don't be. There's nothing you could've done."

"I'm still sorry. You didn't deserve any of that." Cecil didn't know how to reply. Carlos pulled away, keeping his hands on Cecil's shoulders. "And you thought... what? That I wouldn't like you just because of what's happened to you?"

For the first time in their conversation, Cecil looked directly into Carlos' eyes. "Not just what's happened to me. Carlos, this is still happening. I take medication. I go to therapy." He shook his head, choking out a sad, bitter noise. "I'm a flight risk, Carlos. I'm a grenade. And I'd understand if you didn't want to be around when I go off." 

"Cecil..." Carlos took his face in his hands, wiping soothing circles over his cheekbones. "I don't care about that. I mean, I do. What I mean is... I have a vested interest in your future, and knowing this doesn't change that. I mean, rationally speaking, all relationships end with a breakup or a death, so before either of those things happen, why not enjoy the ride?"

Cecil laughed, a slight smile gracing his lips as he glanced at Carlos. "Aren't you the optimist?"

"It's true, though. You can worry and second-guess everything, or you could just enjoy what you've got while you've got it."

"That is some really, really good advice," Cecil murmured. He closed the short distance between their lips and kissed Carlos. Carlos melted almost instantly, his arms pulling Cecil in even closer. 

-o0o-

That night, after Carlos had left, Cecil texted Dana:

"IOU $5"

Dana smirked as she replied.

"go get some, Ceec ;*"


End file.
